Just When You Thought It Was Safe
by blackdragonsghost
Summary: Slash, slightly hysterical. Keeping an affair a secret is hard enough when all you have to deal with is nosy friends: what do you do when you have a telepathic, rather salacious Iezu hanging around? Gerald/Damien. Borderline crack. M for insinuations.


_Author's Note: I don't know where this stuff comes from. It just appears in my head, and refuses to vacate until I've written it down. Therefore, I do not consider myself to be responsible for the slightly deranged nature of this fic. In fact, I blame it all on Karril. He's entirely too mischievous: it's way too easy to picture him doing something like this. _

_Warnings: Smut and Iezu antics (which means voyeurism, lewd comments, and bad puns). Blink-and-you'll-miss-it veiled reference to a threesome. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own the Coldfire Trilogy. I just like to play with Gerald and Damien - and sometimes Karril, when he behaves. _

_A.N.2: Sadly, the real world is starting to catch up to me. Looming deadlines and the like. Tragically, this may be my last upload for the next week or two. *Sigh* Too bad you can't just make a pause button for the real world. That would be wonderful. Then again, it would be even more wonderful if I could just transport myself to Erna. First task? Make sure Damien and Gerald wake up and realize that THEY'RE PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER!_

Considering they were currently waging war on a deranged, sadistic demon who entertained plots for world domination, when Damien and Gerald became romantically involved during their trek across the Eastern Continent they decided that they would keep it a complete secret - even from their allies. When battling an enemy who can read your mind, the fewer people who know your secrets, the better. If Calesta knew, he might try to strike at one to hurt the other, and so they agreed to secrecy until the rogue Iezu was defeated.

Unfortunately, they had not counted on Karril.

The first time the Iezu of Pleasure caught them was shortly before they boarded the ship to return to the Western Continent. Hesseth was down at the docks helping to load the ship, so Damien and Gerald had crept off back to their hotel for an impromptu 'victory celebration', as Gerald put it. Damien had the lithe adept pinned against the wall of their room and was quite happily ravishing his mouth when a voice broke through the pleasurable haze insulating them.

"Well, it's about bloody time you two jumped each other!"

Damien wrenched himself off of Gerald so fast he almost fell over. Gerald tried instinctively - and futilely - to straighten his rumpled tunic as he glared at Karril, who had just materialized in the center of the room.

"How many times must I tell you, Karril, not to interrupt me in these situations?"

Damien jolted out of his state of open-mouthed shock. "Hey, just how many times have you had to tell him already?" the priest spluttered.

A light flush tinted the former Neocount's pale cheeks, and Karril howled with laughter. "_Hah!_ You walked into that one, Gerald." Gerald made an odd noise low in his throat, and Karril's jaw dropped. "Did you just _growl_ at me?"

Somehow, despite the mixture of lingering lust and growing righteous indignation in his veins, Gerald managed to keep his voice perfectly level. "Karril, if you do not remove yourself from the premises immediately, I _will_ Summon an entire host of demons and instruct them to hogtie you and drag you off to the deepest, darkest, slimiest pit of Hell that they can find. Is that perfectly clear?"

Karril just snickered, but Damien glared at him. "Definitely seconded. What the hell are you doing here in the first place?"

"Oh, I just wanted to see how things were... _coming_ along." Karril said, leering slightly. Gerald rolled his silver eyes and stifled a groan.

"You and your awful damn puns. Eight centuries and you still haven't worked out any new ones. Get _out_. _NOW._"

Karril smirked. "Sure, sure, I'm going... say, did you tell the good Reverend about that time I walked in on you and Gannon in the tent?"

"_**OUT!"**_

The Iezu vanished instantly, his laughter fading more slowly. Damien stared at Gerald in a mixture of mild horror and grudging respect - with a hint of morbid interest. "You were sleeping with the King?"

Gerald apparently decided that desperate times called for desperate measures and started unfastening his own tunic to reveal more of that creamy alabaster skin Damien was so fond of. "Actually, there wasn't very much sleeping involved, as I recall. Now, did you want an account of my activities several centuries before you were even alive, or do you want to pretend that damn Iezu never interrupted us?"

"Well, when you put it like _that..._"

The second time, they were actually on the ship. Due to the slightly reduced size of the new ship - the Golden Glory having fallen victim to the rioting masses - it became necessary for a few people to share their cabins. There were some funny looks from Hesseth when Damien and Gerald offered to share, but she obviously didn't dare to conjecture. Thanks to Gerald putting up a few Silencings, they didn't even have to keep from making noise. Of course, once again, they had forgotten that normal Workings didn't hinder those of the Iezu persuasion.

"Sheesh, you two make a lot of noise."

Damien jumped involuntarily and swore when his head hit the top of the bunk. Gerald propped himself up on his elbows, glaring daggers at Karril. "When I figure out a possible way to kill an Iezu, I think I'll test my theory on you." he ground out, eyes narrowed lethally. Karril, however, continued unfazed.

"I mean, I knew Gerald was a screamer, but I didn't think you'd be so vocal, Reverend Vryce."

Damien's hand jerked slightly, as though he'd started to reach for his sword where it rested near the bunk before he caught himself. "Gerald, did you consider tying rocks to him and throwing him overboard?"

"I don't think the rocks would even be necessary, he's dense enough to sink as it is." Gerald muttered. Karril clutched at his chest, his eyes widening in exaggerated hurt.

"I'm deeply wounded, Gerald. I don't know why you're always so touchy about these things: your wife liked me just fine! Of course, that particular instance, you weren't exactly protesting either..."

"_**THAT IS THE LAST STRAW!**_"

Gerald slashed his hand through the air and hissed the key to a Banishing under his breath. Fully effective it might not have been, but apparently it was still painful, because Karril yelped and disappeared in quite a hurry. Damien stared at his lover.

"Do I even want to know what that was supposed to mean?"

"Oh, shut up." Gerald muttered, dragging Damien down into a searing kiss.

After that, the Iezu changed his tactics. He only stopped by once more during the voyage, appearing just long enough to drop a note on the deck near Damien. When the priest picked it up out of semi-suicidal curiosity, he found a few words scrawled on it: _Ask Gerald if he's gone back to thinking that three's a crowd._

Seeing the note, Gerald very nearly exploded from sheer rage. Damien considered it later, and decided that he didn't really want to know more. Besides, not being remotely naive and knowing that it involved Gerald, Karril, and Almea - most likely engaged in questionable activities - he could guess fairly accurately what the Iezu was alluding to. Whether it had actually happened or not was up for debate - but judging by Gerald's reaction, it very well might have. That was already more information than Damien wanted to have.

When they docked back in Faraday, they found Ciani waiting for them. Apparently, after deserting in the rakhlands, she had suffered an attack of conscience and decided to rejoin their group to help defeat Calesta. Hesseth seemed genuinely pleased, Damien was definitely torn between delight and dismay, and Gerald - well, if looks could kill, they would already be planning Ciani's funeral. It seemed that jealousy trumped even Revivalist honor.

Damien definitely enjoyed the side effects, though. Gerald was always rather... _inspired_ when he was feeling undervalued. Although, Damien couldn't help but wonder a little bit just _where_ Gerald had learned some of those moves. Not that it was any of his business - as Gerald himself had pointed out, it had all happened centuries before Damien was born, he couldn't very well be jealous. That thought made Damien a bit queasy though, considering that Gerald actually looked a little younger than the priest, so he tried not to dwell on it.

The next time the meddling Iezu showed up was during dinner when the four travelers were swapping stories of what had happened since the Master of Lema's defeat. Hesseth slipping in a few comments about the two mens' _odd behaviour_ had already led to a few tense moments, so when Karril appeared in a previously vacant chair wearing a smile of pure wickedness, Damien groaned and dropped his head back against the wall with a thud.

"Not you again!"

Karril made a sound that was best described by the term 'cackle', eliciting rather strange looks from Hesseth and Ciani. Gerald was staring at Karril as though trying to drill holes in him with his eyes, a very deadly warning in his expression. _Don't even __**think**__ about it, Karril..._

"So, how's the reunion _coming_ along?"

If either of the female diners noticed the strange emphasis on 'coming' they didn't show it. Gerald was gritting his teeth slightly as he said, "Just lovely. What do you want?"

"Now, really, Gerald - you ought to be more polite to me." Karril said, smirking. "After all, I do know what you've been up to."

Damien glared at the Iezu, while Gerald hissed softly under his breath. "If you don't get to the point..." the Hunter said threateningly.

Karril's expression only got more ominous. "Oh, I'm getting to the _point_, Gerald, don't fret. You see, I missed you two: it was getting rather _hard_ to stay away. Surely, you wouldn't want one of your dearest friends suffering, now would you, Gerald?"

Ciani was staring at Karril now, rather confused. "Am I missing something?"

Damien looked over at Gerald. "Have you figured out a way to kill him yet?"

"No, more's the pity." Gerald muttered. "Karril, you do realize what you're doing, right?"

The Iezu pouted. "I'm just having fun, Gerald." His pout turned into an evil grin. "You've rediscovered the concept, surely you wouldn't begrudge me the same?"

"Oh, that's _it_." Gerald rose in a flurry of silk. "I'm going to bed." He swept off toward the stairs in a royal huff, but not before Karril called after him.

"Aren't you forgetting something, Gerald? Or some_one_?"

"Go to Hell, Karril!"

Things got mildly easier after they reached Jaggonath, when they split up: Ciani and Hesseth going to research ways to kill Iezu, while Damien and Gerald dealing with the Patriarch. Of course, the whole business about getting dragged off to Hell put a bit of a damper on their romance - not much, though, which said a lot for Gerald's seduction skills. They then proceeded to race against time, demons and mobs of pitchfork-wielding townsfolk to reach Mount Shaitan and kill Calesta. Gerald should have died in the process, but of course, he wriggled out of it. Again.

They then suffered through a Iezu reunion, argued about their next step for a while, then agreed that after checking in with Ciani and Hesseth, Damien would move in with Gerald in the Forest. When they had at long last found a cave to spend the night in before starting back to the south, Gerald sighed and relaxed back against the stone. "Finally, it's over."

Damien grinned. "Which means I can do this." he murmured, leaning forward and gently sealing his lips over Gerald's, feeling the Hunter mirror his movements with a soft moan of appreciation.

"Celebrating, are we?"

"_**KARRIL!**_"


End file.
